20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Livid.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I feel this so hard
This why you should mind your business
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat