I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
You Might Also Like
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I drew y’all a little something.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.