my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Hitlers gonna hitl
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Goodnight 🐶
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore