Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”