For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Body by sandwich.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.