Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.