Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.