the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back