Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”