My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
concern
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.