her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.