Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.