To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.