‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*