My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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When I pack too much for a short trip.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sing it!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?