If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”