The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH