Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon