guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Sex so good you see dead people.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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