shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me