old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I’m having an out of money experience.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.