Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
my name if I was in the mob