When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
You Might Also Like
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though