WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
You Might Also Like
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?