one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.