You Might Also Like
seems fine
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words