[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
#oldknees
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island