hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.