I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES