I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
#gardening
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
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Appendvi
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Appendviii
Appendix
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Free him
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO