Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.