Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My patience has stretch marks.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after