Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.