I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules