If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Smooooooth
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema