My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
every single time
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?