I’m an avid indoorsman.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Bros before Ohioes
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Not helping
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.