saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Your secret is safeish with me