Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.