me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
May never get over this
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.