“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*limbos away from your hug*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Truth
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.