Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.