I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.