Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?