You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,