The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us