A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.