Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries