Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.