[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*